Today’s Birthday (Oct. 28)
It could be worse.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Save your work, you’re making me nervous. What if your computer turned out to be some sort of flesh-eating monster, and not a computer at all, in which case, your work would forever be lost, and the excuse that your computer was a giant flesh-eating monster which you mistook for a computer just isn’t very plausible.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
What about clowns? Why are they so funny? And why is it that paintings of kittens are so sad? Ask yourself that, Taurus.
Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Stop sexually harassing your co-workers and proudly referring to your maneuvers as “the Richard Gere (circa American Gigolo).”
Cancer (June 22-July 22)
There was once an entire movie centered on a little kid following a giant red balloon around town. Chase your dreams, but hide your porn.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Can you hear me now, Leo? No? Not surprising.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
If you get a letter in the mail written out of cut-out letters threatening to kill your dog, you should really consider doing something else with your time besides writing creepy letters to yourself.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
Always the trend-setter, what are you going to find to replace that thing you lost last week, you know, your hair?
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You guys are always horny right? Maybe you should look into that rash after all.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You’re too nice of a guy. Sometimes you’ve just got to fart on your boss.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
I’ve got a picture of Johnny Cash in my room and it’s this big. Too bad you can’t see either the photo or the physical representation of its size. Makes ya think, don’t it?
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Just because you like them doesn’t make it right. Stop wearing trucker hats like Ashton Kutcher. You know where you live, and where your car is located. Poser.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Today, re-evaluate your obsession with the word “refrigerator.”
– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard