Daily Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (Oct. 31)

You aren’t scary. You never will be. Get over it.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

In a world of free pornography and hotmail accounts, your price just doesn’t seem that good, Aries.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Poking oneself in the stomach and saying “tee hee hee” will not get you baked. Even if you wear white facepaint and a chef’s hat.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Like it or not, your fanclub is not, in fact, a fanclub at all, but a collective of creepy 40-year-olds that stalk you on the internet.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Just because you like it your way doesn’t make you a perfect spokesperson for Burger King.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

If people sometimes confuse your face with that of a small mouse, don’t be discouraged. There is always plenty of work at the circus.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Sometimes it’s fun to mow your lawn in the nude, but it is never safe.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Look around, I’m sure it’s here somewhere.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

People sometimes refer to you as a slut. But I like to think of you as “my little slut.”

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Ice-covered swimming pools are not safe, dude.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You are not done.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Out of ideas for making money? What about dental surgery?

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Bike-thieves of the world unite! And be sure to be in one place so that the rest of us may trap you.

– Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard