Daily horoscope

Today’s Birthday (Oct. 16)

It’s time to stop licking the bottom of your aquarium and claiming it is a “good source of vitamin C.”

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Burn something today. And when you’re caught, like I know you will be… I don’t know you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Sucker.

Gemini (May 21-June21)

You can’t mate with yourself. Even if you try really really hard.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Sometimes it’s not even worth waking up in the morning. That’s what whiskey’s for.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Just because you like to talk, doesn’t mean you should.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Kikkoman is neither a man, nor a kikko.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You know that one dude, in that reality show? You know, I think it’s on Fox… or yeah, that guy? He’s so your type.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Seven out of ten dentists agree. COMEUPPENCE!

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Your genitalia is not a tax write-off.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Accept the fact that you are too creepy to ever get laid. Unless you wanted to bed someone with a Camero.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

You are the delete key.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Why would you steal someone else’s bicycle? Obviously they’re going to miss it. It’s not like they’re going to walk up, see that their beloved bike is gone and go, “Oh well, maybe I’ll buy another” or just miss the fact that it’s gone. Sonuvabitch.

-Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard