Don't move to Portland

Just don’t. Everyone else is doing it. By everyone, I mean, seriously. everyone.

But don’t take my word for it–last month Oregon Metro News released a report that estimated Portland’s current population at 2.4 million people. This works out to an average of 111 new Portland residents every day between July 2014 and July 2015.

That’s a shit ton of people. I can’t even really wrap my head around how it’s possible for more than a hundred people to flock to a place every day for a year. But I’m certain that’s why I now spend half my life stuck in traffic.

I guess you could move to Portland if you wanna be basic. Like me. And all my neighbors. And probably you.

Here are some reasons why you might consider moving anywhere other than Portland:

Reason No. 1: Typhoid Fever

Because everyone in Oregon gets Typhoid Fever and Dysentery. Did Oregon Trail teach you nothing?
Don’t you remember what happened to Mary?

You go hunting. You shoot a bison. You think you’ve got your food on lock for the rest of the journey…then in some cruel twist of fate, you can only carry 200 pounds of that delicious bison. You forced to just leave the other 800 pounds of wasted bison behind to rot–just like that gangrenous toe of yours.

Reason No. 2: Native Naivety

The people who were born here in the past one hundred years call themselves ‘Natives’, and it’s just offensive to the people who are actual descendants of the land’s original residents. It continues to blow my mind that modern Oregonians don’t seem to grasp how problematic this is.

If you are of European descent and you have blonde hair and blue eyes, you might want to reconsider labeling yourself a Native Oregonian. It’s more likely your ancestors wreaked havoc on the lives of true Native Oregonians.

Please, just say you were born here.

Reason No. 3: Vitamin D

Where the hell is the sun? It’s no wonder everyone is so whiney and passive aggressive. Our spirits are broken because our pale limp bodies have forgotten what it’s like to feel the warmth of natural light on our faces.

Reason No. 4: The housing crisis and the devolution of Portland’s soul

This is the obvious reason not to move to Portland. So many recent articles have outlined just what the massive influx of people is doing to the city and its OG residents, I’m not going to try to explain the nuance of this crisis in my mostly tongue-in-cheek article.

Here’s what I will say about it:

People are being pushed out of their long-time homes and neighborhoods in the wake of a massive influx of young, rich consumers in search of some quirky life they probably saw on Portlandia. But they don’t realize they’re watering down and washing away whatever charm they might have been seeking–simply by showing up in waves too great for Old Portland to handle. The beautiful Northwest Hills and the mountain views are being replaced with the ugly shadows of rush-job high-rise condo buildings.

Portland had enough problems addressing racism, segregation, gentrification and homelessness before this most recent population boom.

Now I’m questioning why I’m writing this article and who’s supposed to be reading it, as I’m assuming if you picked up our GTFO guide, you already did move to Portland. Or you’re one of the rare breeds who was actually born here.

If you’ve already transplanted yourself here from somewhere else and you don’t intend to leave, at least take some time to research the history of the city and consider how your presence might serve as a benefit instead of a burden.

Remember that Portland’s reputation was built upon the actions of people who lived here before you. If you want it to reflect the life you thought you’d find here, make sure you practice it. Be diligent. Be informed. Tell your friends they can visit, and then tell them to go away.

So, next time you hear someone say how cool and hip and trendy they’ve heard Portland is and they’re totally thinking of moving here, send them this article. And then tell them just don’t.

Here’s a list of places you could go instead of Portland:
Brooklyn, NY.
Austin, TX.
Detroit, MI.
Milwaukee, WI.
Hazelgreen, KY.
Anywhere in Canada.
Hell.