From Mystic J; permanent resident of Room 1313, Hollywood Tower Hotel.
Capricorn
Dec. 22–Jan. 19
Study up! This new year is a year of testing for you, both inside the classroom and out. It’s time to knuckle down, Capricorn, and put that famous stubborn streak of yours to good use.
Aquarius
Jan. 20–Feb. 18
This new year sees you swimming along at a fast clip, but maybe you’re swimming too fast. Try slowing down a little; become one with the jellyfish. After all, Aqui, if you swim too fast, you’ll eventually miss a beautiful sunrise.
Pisces
Feb. 20–March 19
You won’t win every bingo game this year, Pisces, but you don’t expect to, do you? The odds are in your favor, though since you’re entering the House of Luck! If you decide to play, you just might win big.
Aries
March 21–April 19
Your new year will be filled with joy if you embrace your inner fat kid and eat more jelly doughnuts.
Taurus
April 20–May 20
Your new year is fraught with emotional peril. Someone in your family wants to get married or remarried, and you’re not the biggest fans of each other. Learn how to tread lightly.
Gemini
May 21–June 20
If I told you that this year was the year of the Gemini, would you be at all surprised? Not to let you brag or anything, but this is the year that you could make your mark if you embrace yourself.
Cancer
June 21–July 22
This is the year of new chances and new romances, Cancer! 2015 is your year to find love, the greatest gift you’ve ever wished for yourself. Only don’t fall in love with someone with piercings. Remember, you’re looking for Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now.
Leo
July 23–Aug. 22
Gemini gets to have a great year and you, Leo, well, you’ll just have to grin and bear it. Your house is in retrograde, your basement is about to flood and the milk you drank is two weeks expired. Update your health insurance.
Virgo
Aug. 23–Sep. 22
Dearest Virgo, are you listening? This new year is an opportunity for you to be curious about the world! Find yourself in a new place, a new restaurant, a new car or a new friendship and embrace it all.
Libra
Sep. 23–Oct. 22
Get settled for an upcoming year of quiet nights at home with wine and board games, Libra. It’s not that your friends don’t want to hang out, it’s that you’re transitioning and this is that weird year where nothing feels right. But it will pass, I promise.
Scorpio
Oct. 23–Nov. 21
All that energy should go into being productive in the New Year, Scorpio. What you need is a new hobby and a new outlook based on the idea of hope. Think about it this way: Mr. Gold can only push Belle so far before she starts pushing back, and you’re not Belle in this scenario.
Sagittarius
Nov. 22–Dec. 21
Everybody’s favorite is gonna have a party year! Be ready for all the social engagements you can handle and then some, Saggy. Seriously, you can be the life of the party and I know that’s what you secretly want.
