Capricorn
December 22-January 19
We’re almost at the end of your reign, Cappie, and I know you’re not quite ready to be dethroned as the dominant sign yet, but this upcoming week is filled with lots of great leftover Chinese food, good friends and new episodes of Worst Cooks in America.
Aquarius
January 20-February 18
You’re driving the horoscope car, Aquarius. Please don’t drive us into a ditch because it looks fun. It’s not fun.
Pisces
February 20-March 19
Do you remember when people were crazy for things like Dunkaroos and Goobers? Well, this week is a lot like that for you. Something initially exciting will turn mundane within a very short course of time.
Aries
March 21-April 19
Going to Goodwill this week will increase your happiness tenfold but your bookshelf space will decrease twentyfold.
Taurus
April 20-May 20
This week you are going to crave a Push-up Pop at some point and you should definitely indulge.
Gemini
May 21-June 20
No, changing the margins on that essay isn’t a good idea. And your name isn’t part of the word count. Don’t be tacky.
Cancer
June 21-July 22
You’re going to get stressed this week, so invest in some bubble wrap.
Leo
July 23-August 22
This would be a good week to binge watch old Looney Tunes episodes. You never know when an encyclopedic knowledge of Bugs Bunny is going to come in handy.
Virgo
August 23-September 22
You’re the life of the party, Virgo. Or you would be if you could ever be talked into going to a party.
Libra
September 23- October 22
You’re going to be spurred onto lifestyle changes this week, Libra. Not only are you going to keep your New Year’s resolutions, but you’re going to succeed beyond your wildest dreams.
Scorpio
October 23-November 21
Stop showing up to class hungry.
Sagittarius
November 22- December 21
If you come across an entry form for an eating contest, ignore it. And if you do enter, your chances of winning are slim to none.
