March 21-April 19
I’m not shocked no one wanted to take you to see Pitch Perfect 2, Aries. We both know in our heart of hearts that you really can’t sing.
April 20-May 20
You know how I know it’s summer, Taurus? It’s because those darn marathoners are blocking my routes downtown for all the weekends from now until September.
May 21-June 20
So there’s this burger joint in Seattle that has a dork burger, which is a mixture of pork and sesame glazed duck meat. Road trip?
June 21-July 22
You tend to break promises, Cancer. Not that you don’t mean well. You just get distracted. For instance, you pledged to always wear pink on Wednesday. Whatever happened to that one?
July 23-August 22
You could spend this summer embracing the socks and sandals thing. Because it’s so you, Leo, and you have those fantastic colored socks you got for Christmas to break in still.
August 23-September 22
I’m not saying you’re not a pet person, Virgo, I’m just saying that maybe animals don’t care for you when they whine as you reach out to pet them. Just food for thought.
September 23-October 22
The walls are shifting, Libra, and if you don’t get out of this Britney-Spears-with-a-bald-head funk, I can only predict grim portent.
October 23-November 21
Did you know Clueless was an update of a Jane Austen novel? I didn’t know that either. But I did remember that Alicia Silverstone once made out with Liv Tyler in a music video.
November 22-December 21
Caramel corn was a staple of the American diet long before salted caramel became a dessert thing. Isn’t America wonderful?
December 22-January 19
Like Imperator Furiosa says, “women are strong and independent.” OK, she didn’t say that, but she punched Mad Max with a shotgun, so I think you get the message. Heed these words.
January 20-February 18
Powell’s is a mad house. For the sake of my credit card, and yours, don’t visit this week, Aquarius. You’re running out of room anyway, and the weight of books might be making your floor unstable.
February 20-March 19
That episode of the Simpsons was on where they mock Portland and the Decemberists are music teachers at Springfield Elementary. Are the Decembrists still a thing?