Winter term brings sexual frustration. Maxi Morison is here to give all you men, women and foreplay failures a little piece of wisdom to consider while you’re preparing to make a move on whomever you might fancy.
I should begin this column by telling you all that men are not easy. In fact, if they were easy, I’d have no basis for a column. The truth is, (and I think most people would agree with me when I say this): men are so much more fucking complicated than they appear. But, so are women.
So far this school year, my observation has been that there is not enough make-out action happening on campus. I am not suggesting that couples (who make us all sick with their PDAs) are welcome in the park blocks twenty-four hours a day. I am implying, however, that it would be nice to hear some nasty rumors about so and so having hot sweaty sex in the library, underneath the microfiche table.
With most PSU students being rightfully serious about their college education, Portland State has hardly become the most opportune university for finding a mid-semester romance. But that could change.
Despite the fact that PSU is Oregon’s largest university, I have had many students tell me how difficult it is to meet interesting people in Portland. How can this be true?
At least two days a week, we are all in classes that are specific to our majors. Therefore, we are surrounded by (possibly) attractive people who share our interests. There could be no setting more perfect than campus to meet a compatible mate.
So now you might be asking your self, “Why is it so difficult for PSU students to hook up?” The answer is simply this:
On the first day of winter semester, most of you probably went to class, got your syllabus, listened to the instructor, and said less than two words to the hot girl or guy who was sitting no more than two desks away from you. Am I right? The problem is a lack of communication.
If you don’t take a little initiative and start hitting on that hot economics student before someone else does, you will be left lonely, loaded with homework and sexually frustrated by the time finals come around.
Hey ladies, I’m talking to you, too. There is no shame in asking a hot football player for his number. I know you think it sounds ridiculous, but sometimes guys are too scared to ask you out, (especially when you sit in class with your legs crossed, chewing on your ballpoint pen and scowling at your day planner). You need to get out there and tell that Brandon Boyd-look-a-like that you think he has a sweet ass.
Our school is practically promoting the wonderful stress-relieving act of fornication in campus facilities. The PSU library has every issue of Playboy ever printed on microfilm. What more incentive do you people need to have sex?
So get out there! You can all feel free to email me with any questions, concerns, quandaries or good gossip you might have. And if you do decide to get laid on campus, just make sure to be caught by some poor freshman so the rest of the student body knows which Smith Center bathroom has been marked as your territory. There is no such thing as a bad exhibitionist, but keep this in mind: you only get better with practice.