Satire: Conservatives protest that news is primarily left-leaning

The news argues their content is just tailored to people who can read

Fake news is responsible for our country’s increasing loss of reality and is a growing issue of significance due to our society’s increasing levels of inequality and corruption.


Thanks to fake news, there are numerous people who believe in ridiculous myths; vaccines cause autism, climate change is a hoax or that milk is actually good for you. There is less science suggesting milk is good for your bones than bad for your boners—as legitimate research confirms the fat in dairy and meat result in smaller achievable erections. But they say size doesn’t matter—or is that fake news as well?


Certainly, this is a difficult problem to solve, especially when 90% of the media is controlled by just six parent companies which includes the ownership of all print media, social media, internet, television and even movie production. It seems porn is the only media you can trust. 


Additionally, the lack of government regulation contributes to the problem, as it allows plutocrats to easily endorse news publications that spread lies and pseudoscience, structured to keep them in power regardless of the ramifications.


The falsities these companies publicize are strong enough to manipulate even one of the most woke media platforms, the Joe Rogan Podcast, that makes sure millennials remain unvaccinated and treat their COVID-19 symptoms with Alpha Brain—a supplement that apparently makes you smarter, but not smart enough to avoid Rogan for medical advice.


As a matter of fact, these companies’ control over the media has been so powerful that they’ve convinced an entire country that dairy should be consumed with every meal when, in fact, it’s completely unnecessary and bad for you. The ramifications to this unrivaled lie are millions of people dying from heart disease. Bourgeoisie sounds like a type of cheese, doesn’t it?


If killing us wasn’t enough, plutocrats have also used their media dominance to popularize political ideals so that we remain obedient impoverished citizens—and they get all of our money. You know that word socialism, right? When the government strips you of your hard-earned cash? Wrong!


Socialism is simply the equal distribution of ownership throughout a business by the workers, thus allowing employees to have more say in their work, life and income, similar to unionization. If this economic theory were described authentically, it would likely be interpreted less negatively by people in the United States.


Of course, there are obvious consequences to socialism—like happiness, and having to drive a Volvo—but the point is that the word has been deliberately misconstrued. Nordic countries that have to drive Volvos are actually free-market economies and choose to drive those ugly cars. 


The most surprising part of fake news is the voices who seem to speak the loudest against it.


The conservative prodigy Ben Shapiro loves to criticize the bias in news media, all while working for a biased news channel himself. Shapiro, along with Trump and other Republicans, seem to have coined the phrase fake news because of the amount of animosity they’ve openly displayed towards it. It’s as if the Republican Party is the younger sibling who tattle-tales to Mom first so that they don’t get in trouble.


It’s not that liberal stations and politicians don’t manipulate their audience too, but the Republican Party is notorious for spreading far more propaganda. Their leaders have the audacity of bringing to light issues such as Russian President Vladimir Putin complaining of election fraud. You can thank Trump for trying to end political cynicism by being an honest piece of shit. Nevertheless, the United States’ distrust in journalism and government continues to increase as time goes on. The solution to this problem starts with us—increasing our own informational literacy and being skeptical of everything we hear. Ask questions.