Satire: Nike says it’s unethical to thrift shop

Just don’t do it

Phil Knight, the founder of Nike—the world’s most valued clothing brand—made a bold statement last night to all thrift shoppers out there. 


“Nobody should be proud to purchase Nike apparel that is older than 10 years because it’s stained with the foul history of child labor and sweatshops,” he tweeted.


Knight encouraged all consumers to buy brand new Nike products because it supports higher quality sweatshops, unlike the old ones. He shared his displeasure for countries like Indonesia, Taiwan and China that have subjected their people to barbarically low standards of living by allowing his company to exploit them. Knight demanded people stop thrift shopping and buy Nike before it’s too late—and the winter discounts expire.


Thrift shopping, the new fashion movement, is no longer just for Macklemore and single moms. It is now an exciting hobby for the younger generation to showcase uniqueness and style. Kids are begging their parents for cash, and enthusiastically selling crypto to buy second-hand clothes instead of new items. Although it seems like a harmless activity, skeptics deem this to be highly unethical as well as bad for the economy.


“Buying old clothes hinders the production of new ones, which may result in pay cuts to foreign factories and job loss,” explained economist Donald Deagan. “Clothing manufacturers, such as Nike, are really the biggest in threat of this dispute.”


It appears Nike simply cannot afford to pay its workers a liveable wage and make millions in net profit. Any minor decrease in potential sales would leave the company with no choice but to return factories to primitive conditions.


Nonetheless, Nike has already begun pushing back against this trend with a new commercial featuring LeBron James bullying a kid for wearing a vintage t-shirt that smells bad. Nike believes the advertisement clearly highlights the issue and will help end this foolish craze.


Editor’s Note: Most quotes and events in this article are fictional.