Satire: Space is not the place

Elon Musk no longer interested in Mars due to wealth tax

CEO of Tesla, Chief Engineer of SpaceX and father of seven robot children, Elon Musk has just been named TIME Person of the Year—a well-deserved token for the brilliant entrepreneur. However, none of those gracious titles would be more meaningful to Musk than one day making the human species multiplanetary.


A lot of serious thought and time has gone into deciding which planet is most suitable for human life. Musk explains that the planet would need to have near-impossible features such as breathable air, drinkable water and adequate phone service. With absolute practicality taken into account, it was obvious to Musk that the only planet with this ability—and the color red—was Mars. There were no other options. 


Nonetheless, development on this project was halted yesterday morning after Senator Bernie Sanders tweeted “Everyone in the universe deserves free healthcare.” Musk had no idea Sanders was alive, let alone that he had political agendas outside of Earth. 


“I forgot that I hadn’t killed you lol,” Musk replied.


Was this an attempt by Sanders to radically spread socialism to Mars? Well, it was enough for SpaceX to temporarily shut down advancement of the Mars program. It appears the scare of communism in space has been the most difficult restraint on multiplanetary expansion.


Let us remind you that formidable challenges like this are not new to Musk, as he single-handedly paid his employees to reinvent the electric car (EVs). Tesla’s remarkable EVs are the overall best in the market—resulting in the company’s domination and Musk’s position as the wealthiest person in history. 


Let us not forget that he also built Neuralink, The Boring Company and a baby with the popstar Grimes, which are all in order of what he spends the most time with. Of course, Neuralink was originally designed to build a brain implant that would give him a sense of empathy.


All in all, people are baffled at how a single individual was able to achieve so much, but a leaked YouTube clip exposes one of his dark secrets to productivity. By speaking in minimal words every sentence—like Kevin Malone from The Office—Musk is able to reserve energy and save time at work. This genius formula is soon to be adopted by Tesla employees worldwide, but the big question remains: will Musk’s uncanny methods of productivity be enough to stop the spread of socialism to space?


It’s important to understand Musk’s perspective on why socialism is inhumane. One of the biggest policies of the socialist agenda is the wealth tax—a scheme for the government to take money away from people with money. Musk explains that, in his view, a few people should have all of the wealth rather than the government—who would just spend it in a wasteful way—such as making it so people can actually live in currently unlivable environments, like Detroit. When asked what the best actions of the government would be, Musk argued, “nothing.”


Musk believes it would be best if the government did not exist at all. In his view, private businesses will take care of the world like they always have—examples of which being Nestle, selflessly providing the world with water; Coca Cola, tirelessly providing necessary research in health; or Nike, providing children in developing nations with the ability to get a job. 


In the end, it is clear that Musk believes socialism is bad, Sanders is a social parasite and Musk is cool—yes, he talks about himself in third person. In the meantime, we all anxiously await his next tweet to see the progression of his intergalactic empire.


Editor’s Note: Most quotes and events in this article are fictional.