Shiv to Shank
President Bush continued to show the American people that the term “commander-in-chief” is only an honorary title.
On Saturday, the Israeli government proved that you don’t necessarily have to be the United States to bomb a country for no good reason.
California gubernatorial recall frontrunner, movie star, and avid groper Arnold Schwarzenegger attempted to dispel widespread accusations concerning his philandering, misogyny and Hitler-loving by appearing on NBC’s “Dateline Tuesday” – his wife, Maria Shriver’s, saccharine-coated television newsmagazine. In a similar move, he is expected to declare himself Irish catholic in next month’s Kennedy Family Newsletter.
The revolution has begun! Domesticated tigers everywhere rejoiced as one of their own, a 7-year-old inbred white tiger named Montecore, maimed his master, famed illusionist Ray Horn of the Las Vegas power-duo “Siegfried and Roy. This only proves to the world that tigers, the big, shifty-eyed cats with the gigantic teeth and claws that are known for their fierce predatory instinct, are, in fact, dangerous.
In an attempt to one-up “Entertainment Weekly,” noted Portland author Chuck Palahniuk came out of the closet last week to a rousing chorus of “So what”‘ s from the media, the general public, and his marginalized, alienated and thoroughly dissociate fan base, while only proving that his novel “Fight Club” was indeed the seminal work in homoerotic fiction of the late ”90s.
Plans to privatize the Post Office were scrapped by the Bush administration after someone realized that infuriating postal employees – 200,000 middle-class registered voters – during an election year was probably a bad idea.
In an attempt to thoroughly decimate the already-wounded U.S. worker, the Senate Finance Committee proposed a tax holiday for large, multinational corporations (Oregon’s own Intel among the culprits) that have kept a combined total of over $400 billion outside of the United States in offshore interests since the 1970s in an effort to avoid U.S. taxation. The proposed legislation is intended to bring the money back into the United States, where it could stimulate our doomed economy and the thinly stretched wallets of senators everywhere. This desperate and absurd “solution” to our economical woes could be metaphorically likened to giving a $100 tip to the guy who just mugged you.
