Today’s Horoscope

Today’s Birthday (Jan. 16)

You’re like a sour tuna fish sandwich on the verge of finally making the big time. That’s right. Salmonella is growing inside of you, and soon you will be dangerous to consume.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Watching Average Joe 2 is, for most people, a mere hobby or past-time. For you, Aries, I envision more. Something like a “lifestyle choice.”

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Lollypops are made for licking, Taurus. That’s all I want to say about that.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)

Lusting after Polish sausages is never just recreational.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)

Your personal hell is a place which you know well. Yes, mayonnaise is everywhere, and my milkshake is better than yours.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

The term “high art” and “my truck” shouldn’t go together.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Pollination doesn’t happen on it’s own, Virgo.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

You’ll never be able to fit into the tiny Monopoly car.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Don’t lose your cool now, Scorpio, because you’re going to hell.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Have you ever heard anyone say “I’ve made my millions manufacturing creamed corn,” Sagittarius? That’s right, that’s right.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

“Make mine a king size” is not a call to revolution.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Neither is being an Aquarius. Consult Capricorn.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Fudge, fudgepop, fudgecicle. You get the picture.

-Your Psychic Friend at the Vanguard