ARIES. MAR. 21-APR 20
Aries, you know you’ve got the best areolas in town. Stay true to your adventurous spirit this Valentine’s day and dress up those dinner plates with a bit o’ whipped cream and chocolate for your special someone. If you’re not so sure how special they are, be selfish with your tasty treat and service yourself.
TAURUS APR. 21-MAY 21
Don’t be placid or flaccid. Your persistent personality will reward you if you put a little effort into your sexy-time. Go with the flow when it comes to your relationships.Try not to avoid the bumps in the road, because with bumps also comes the rumps.
GEMINI MAY 22-JUN. 21
Leave behind your nervous nature and rise to the occasion. Put that versatility to use, learn some new moves and come up with alternative places to get it on. Don’t be afraid to show off those communicative skills and reveal your oral talents. Your inquisi- tive nature will be sure to guarantee you and your special someone a wild ride.
CANCER JUNE 22-JULY 22
Your intuition won’t lead you astray this V-day, as long as you look out for your V-jay, your neighbor’s V-jay—or all the V-jays in the land if you’re feeling like your natural- nurturer Cancerian self. Make sure those bits stay respected, protected, and unin- fected. Wanna get heavy with a hottie? Slip a rocket socket in that pocket. Feeling friskier about your mister? Give the ‘gine a shine with that ol’ astroglide. You’re already a crab, no need to pick up more.
LEO JULY 23-AUG. 21
Pull your giant leo-maned head out of your arse and throw a consensual move on the dreamboat you’ve been crushin’ on all term. They’re not just going to throw them- selves at you with all the false confidence you’ve been tossing their way. You’ve got all the charm you need all by your lionsome. Just remember to leave your ego behind and lead with your creative spirit.
VIRGO AUG. 22-SEP 23
Leave it alone, Virgo. Revirgo-nize yourself. You’ve been existing in a careless state of lust and selfish intentions. Bask in the holy sky waters of Portland and be born again as your usual intelligent, practical and reliable self.
LIBRA SEP 24-OCT 23
Libra-ate your assertive side this V-day. While it may be your tendency to shrink back in the face of a heady argument, this is your week to shine. Speak up for your wants and needs: whether you’re hoping for some attention from an admirer or you’re ready to DTR, you won’t believe how good it feels to cum out on top.
SCORPIO OCT. 24-NOV. 22
Everyone knows you’re the sexy, dynamic, stinging and fickle little pickle they hate to love to love. Flaunt it, Scorpio. Make em all wish their mami’s were freaks like you. You are a Swarthy Morrissey Goth G-ddess with flawless braids and all the swag. At least that’s what you are to me.
SAGITTARIUS NOV. 23-DEC. 22
Tune into your freedom-loving personality as a special romantic opportunity will arise. Be careful that your careless and irresponsible nature don’t get you into too much trouble when these sexual encounters pop-up. If you’ve already found that special someone, now’s the time to use your creativity, spice things up and keep them cum- ming back for more.
CAPRICORN DEC. 23-JAN. 20
Oh, you salty little devil, you. Quit your bitchin and start a kissin’. You know you’ve been looking good lately and you might as well stop being shy about it. Put a cap-on- your-crown, find a crown-to-cap-upon, or cap-a-tap-your-own-crown. Whatever. Just do some smoochin’.
AQUARIUS JAN. 21-FEB. 19
Hello in there, pre-aqua-pied Aquarius! You’ve been getting wrapped up in your own head so much you’re missing out on the chance for a whole lot of passion-fueled head from somebody who loves you unconditionally. Quit all your dark-siding and trust in something beautiful. Sometimes you can tell if love is real.
PISCES FEB. 20-MAR. 20
You can let the escapist in you run free as we move in on the impending V-day. Wheth- er you escape with your steady love, a new interest, or your own damn self, make it worthwhile. Make sure you swallow all that sweet, sweet freedom. It may be a while before you cum upon the chance to peep away for the weekend.
