Video Fun with Biff

Isn’t a Buccaneer and a Raider the same damn thing? They both have an eye patch and enjoy a good pillaging. Right? Who knows?

Well, while other people are busy watching a boring three-hour football game just to see some commercials, Biff thinks the time would be better spent watching movies about football without the commercials.

Now doesn’t that sound like fun? I thought so. Let’s talk pigskin on film. The humanity!

First things first. Let’s talk about the quintessential football movie, the “Citizen Kane” of football cinema if you will, the 1993 landmark film “Rudy.”

Thank God for “Rudy.”

If it wasn’t for “Rudy,” short men everywhere wouldn’t have a hero other than Napoleon or Gary Coleman, and I don’t think either of those would do. Do you?

Anyhoo, “Rudy” stars one of the greatest actors of our times, Sean Astin. Super Sean is super sympathetic in this true-story tearjerker about a small town kid who just wants to love the Lord and play some football.

You know, that whole American Dream thing?

Yeah, well lil’ Sean hussles his patookas off for four years while listening to advice from the sage old janitor played by Roc himself, Charles Dutton. Do you think he’ll ever play? Do you think your tears will jerk? Do you think you care?

Now don’t burst Biff’s bubble. “Rudy” is the goods. If you’re not feeling the “Rudy” vibe, then maybe comedy is more your style.

Well, how about the 1991 masterpiece “Necessary Roughness”? That’s right, how about that, tough guy? Didn’t think Biff was going to pull that one out of the bag, did ya?

This film serves as a who’s who of people who used to have careers but now don’t. When your children watch this crapfest years from now on AMC they’ll ask you, “Who are all of these lame people? What’s up with that guy’s earring?”

Check out this list of sad celebrities: Scott Bakula, Kathy Ireland, Sinbad, Jason Bateman, Rob Schneider, they’re all here. That’s right, Rob Schneider. Sure he’s still doing movies, but come on, they’re terrible. Beyond terrible. I digress …

“Necessary Roughness” is like a weird version of “Bad News Bears” starring old people and Sinbad. It’s really just a shame if you haven’t seen this. It’s genius. Or something that is genius-like in a weird football kind of way.

Moving right along, if either of those don’t float your boat, then Biff’s got some more for dat ass.

Seriously, folks, there’s tons of football craziness out there at the video store just waiting for you. Why there’s “Little Giants” with Rick Moranis and Tom Arnold. It’s like a modern day Laurel and Hardy! “All the Right Moves” with that dreamboat Tom Cruise, pre-braces. Don’t forget about Oliver Stone’s “Any Given Sunday,” which attempts to combine a serious tone with a football movie. This is never a good idea. There’s always Biff’s dad’s favorite movie, “Air Bud: Golden Receiver.” No fooling, the man just loves that lovable mutt.

None of us can ever forget Burt Reynolds’ phoned in performance in 1974’s “The Longest Yard.” Burt plays a convict who organizes a game against the prison guards.

Stereotype city, here we come!

While Biff’s on the subject of Reynolds, don’t miss his other football movie, “Semi-Tough” from 1977. This movie is really not enjoyable at all except for the fact that it’s got Burt and he’s just so damn good at that Burt Reynolds thing that he does. Or is it Turd Ferguson?

Speaking of turds, who can forget possibly the saddest, possibly most embarrassing movie of all time, the Tony Danza stinker that is “The Garbage-Picking, Field Goal-Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon”? This movie is so bad that it makes “Angels in the Endzone” look like “The Godfather, Part 2.”

Tony Danza, oh how the mighty have fallen. One minute you’re on top of the game with your own crappy sitcom and the next you’re on “Regis and Kelly” promoting a new CD with you singing old standards. That’s true, I saw it. Not that I watch “Regis and Kelly.” It’s just that I was home and I couldn’t find the remote. Enough about me!

Biff saved maybe the best for last because he almost forgot about the 1988 masterpiece of football fun “Johnny Be Good.” Semi-fresh off of their disastrous season on “Saturday Night Live,” Robert Downey, Jr. and Anthony Michael Hall decide to team back up for this awkward comedy about recruiting, slutty girls and all of the slutty girls that hang out with recruiters. It’s hilarity personified.

Well, I hope these suggestions help you get through the sad, unofficial holiday that is Super Bowl Sunday. Grab the tater chips and Michelob and drive on by that lame Super Bowl party that your co-worker is throwing and watch some fun-time movies about fake Hollywood football and all the fun times it can bring.

So happy trails, and may the best pirating bandit win!