Video Fun with Biff

Alright kids, let’s get one thing straight: Johnny Depp is an asskicker. Seriously, in my eyes the man can do almost no wrong.

I can’t remember the number of times that I’ve been in the classic argument debating whether actors make good movies or if movies make good actors and I’ve played the Johnny Depp card.

“Yeah man, but what about Johnny Depp? He’s never made a bad movie.” Then one fateful day a friend of mine set me straight. “Oh yeah, have you seen ‘The Astronaut’s Wife’?”

I was speechless. There I was, a deer staring into headlights with nothing to fall back on and nowhere to hide.

I humbly admitted defeat, reevaluated my life and took another look at the work of my main daime Johnny Depp.

I think Johnny’s first poor choice was unleashing his band P’s self-titled CD on the world, but that’s a whole other story.

Now I am in no way saying I’m right or Johnny Depp is a bad actor.

The argument I am presenting and the purpose of this piece is to show even the best actor can make a bad movie.

So loyal readers, bear with me. I feel we have developed a bond these last few weeks and I don’t want this article to ruin our relationship. Biff just wouldn’t know what to do without you.

So, whatever I say in the following paragraphs please remember that this is just ol’ Biff’s opinion and that he love love loves Johnny Depp and almost all of his films. With that said, here are some Johnny Depp movies that, in my opinion, kinda suck.

Sometime in my life I picked up the advice to open with my strongest argument so here it is: “The Astronaut’s Wife” is not a good movie. I rented this piece of garbage the day I got my DVD player a year or so ago (I have no idea why) and needless to say, I was not impressed.

Depp sports blonde hair, a bad southern accent and an even badder attitude. Do you remember the previews where they made it look like this creepy outer space sci-fi thriller and you were like “Ohmigod this looks pretty sweet and hey, my man Johnny Depp is in it so you know it’s gonna be good!”

And I was all like “Hell yeah, we’re renting that when I get my DVD player!”

Then we rented it and it wasn’t really about space at all and it was really crappy? That was lame.

I mean c’mon, they call the freakin’ movie “The Astronaut’s Wife” don’t they? Shouldn’t it at least have had more than one scene that takes place in space? What the feh?

The other thing that distresses me about this pile of garbage is it’s the only example of a bad acting job by Mr. Depp. Have you seen it? Then don’t tell me I’m wrong. Depp rocks a terrible accent that makes his serious role just laughable, in a Brad Pitt “The Devil’s Own” style. They should’ve just called this movie “Paycheck.”

Alright then, enough ranting out of Biff.

Well, there’s more ranting, just not about that particular movie. The next example of Johnny being in the wrong place at the wrong time is the movie “Dead Man.”

Before you get your ascot all in a bundle let me explain myself. If you are debating right now between English Breakfast and Earl Grey then my previous statement has probably offended you because you are undoubtedly saying to yourself, “But Biff, ‘Dead Man’ director Jim Jarmusch is a genius and his movies are works of art, especially ‘Down By Law’.”

Personally, I own “Dead Man” and I use it as a cure for my insomnia. Seriously. I’m not kidding. I’m really not. I literally watch it with the intention it will put me to sleep. It’s long, boring, quiet, virtually plotless, completely pointless and Depp barely even speaks at all. It’s not artsy and genius it’s just crappy, “Gummo”- style.

The other movie on my list, “Don Juan DeMarco,” is there simply by default. While “researching” this article I asked everyone I knew if they had seen this movie and they all responded with the same answer, “Dude, it looked so bad that I never even wanted to.”

I agree.

In fact, I had to double dare my boss, who has seen EVERY other Johnny Depp movie, to buy it and watch it just so I could know somebody who’s seen it.

However, she still hasn’t watched it, she’s that scared.

Other than these three crapfests I must say Johnny has led a pretty good film life. I was going to make an argument against “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” but I didn’t want to open that up.

Oh, and don’t let your friends tell you that “Nick of Time” or “The Ninth Gate” are bad movies. Just say, “Bro, it’s got Johnny Depp in it and he’s never made a bad movie, except “The Astronaut’s Wife”, “Dead Man” and probably “Don Juan DeMarco.”