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Video fun with Biff

I know that you know “that guy.” The one who hates movies that he hasn’t seen and tells you why he probably won’t like it and that whatever actor/actress that was in it is a complete sellout.

“That guy” is the one who says things like “I liked Jodie Foster in ‘Bugsy Malone’ but what has she done since then?” Perhaps you’ve been around when he’s argued “I’m sure that ‘The Birdcage’ was decent but there’s no way it’s better than ‘La Cage Aux Follies.’ Ugo Tognazzi is a comic genius!” Beware of “that guy;” he may be a co-worker, a classmate, Internet chatroom buddy, or even a writer for your school newspaper.

Yes, loyal Vanguard reader, I have been known to be “that guy.” However, today I am using my snobby powers for good rather than evil and turning the tables on “that guy.” Only together can we overcome this threat to our movie viewing pleasure.

Therefore, our job is to rent, enjoy and then spread the news about films that have gotten unfair negative attention. It will take teamwork, trust and approximately eight to 10 dollars to begin this very important attack on “that guy.”

Step One: Rent “Mallrats.” Of all the movies that have gotten a bad rap, this one is king. Here is why your friend will tell you that “Mallrats” sucks: “Dude, Kevin Smith totally sold out when he went to color. Bro, in ‘Clerks’ Jay and Silent Bob were drug dealers but in this one they are just all-around mischief makers. I mean, sure, Jay always has a ‘fatty boombatty blunt’ when he needs it but it’s just not the same. I just don’t like Shannen Doherty. Am I supposed to buy that Willam ‘Snowball’ Black grew five inches, gained 100 pounds, shaved his beard, quit drugs and became five years younger? I mean, according to Kevin Smith, ‘Mallrats’ takes place two days before ‘Clerks’ and I just don’t buy that Willam could change that much. This is hooey!”

I know that your friend has said this because I used to be “that guy.” Then, I watched it again without all the expectations and realized that Jason Lee is the funniest guy ever and that “Mallrats” is probably the funniest movie ever. No wait. I will state for the record, that “Mallrats”, in my opinion, is the funniest movie of all time.

Don’t take my word for it and especially don’t buy into the negative hype. Just throw down your two to three dollars and try it out. Remember, don’t be “that guy.”

Step Two: Rent “The Cable Guy.” You might be asking yourself, “Didn’t Biff already suggest this last week and didn’t I not take his advice because some dude in my geography class told me that it wasn’t funny?” The answer is yes and yes. That’s right, I am so confidant that this movie rules that I will name-drop it every week if I have to. Don’t think I won’t.

I mean come on, the whole “I don’t like this Jim Carrey movie because it’s not ‘Ace Ventura’ and it isn’t filled with easy to repeat catch phrases and gags that he already used on ‘In Living Color'” argument is so 1995.

“The Cable Guy” is by far a better movie than anything else Jim Carrey has done, comedy or otherwise. I think people forget they’re laughing at the antagonist’s antics but at the same time wanting him to get his comeuppance. Carrey arguably plays the most sympathetic villain since Darth Vader himself.

“But Biff, his performance in ‘Man on the Moon’ was brilliant as well as his small role in the little-seen film ‘Simon Birch.'” Who’s that? That’s right, it’s “that guy.” He’s always willing to share his too informed/not nearly informed enough opinion with you, whether you ask him or not.

So, loyal reader, take a stand. Say, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore. ‘Mallrats’ and ‘The Cable Guy’ are good movies!” Fight the power; fight the oppressive opinion of “that guy.”

Stay tuned to next week for part two of our seminar where we will discuss the other two movies that will start the revolution.