Is your costume not sexy enough? Don’t worry! We got you!
Here at Portland State Vanguard, our motto is “Whatever, do whatever.” It has served us well all these years, and here we will put it into action by helping you pick out a great costume! This year, let’s take your boring ol’ costume and turn it into something magnificent!
But Vanguard, I heard sexy costumes are soooo gauche!
Look, friend, there are tons of costumes that shouldn’t be sexy, but that doesn’t mean YOU shouldn’t be sexy! And that’s why you should wear them! Let’s look at a few of them, with some super sexy details on how to steal that sexy style.
What you need: goggles, yellow raincoat, overalls with booty shorts.
Why this shouldn’t be a sexy costume: It’s a kid’s movie, dammit.
Why you should wear this: Sneaking up to that person you’ve been flirting with and asking for some consensual humpy-pumpy with a sweet and sultry “banana” in their ear is sure to get their motor running.
What you need: cardboard, blue paint, envelopes
Why this shouldn’t be a sexy costume: stealing valor from the United States Postal Service? FOR SHAME.
Why you should wear this: when someone asks you what postage is and you’re into them? The answer is, of course, 69 cents.
HOT PATRICK STARFISH
What you need: pink trash bag, eyeholes, Bermuda shorts
Why this shouldn’t be a sexy costume: his comedy relies too heavily on cluelessness, I guess?
Why you should wear this: if you want to show someone special your bikini bottom, this is for you.
SEXY WASHING MACHINE
What you need: cardboard box, markers, paint, clear plastic, clothes, empty detergent bottles, commitment.
Why this shouldn’t be a sexy costume: it confuses the Maytag Man.
Why you should wear this: “wanna ride me when I’m in the spin cycle?”
What you need: what you really need is some originality.
Why this shouldn’t be a sexy costume: I mean, come on.
Why you should wear this: because you can do whatever the hell you want regardless of what the Vanguard says about a costume’s originality! Plus, what better way to let folks know you want to handle the wood or tend to the hills?
SULTRY PDX CARPET
What you need: pieces of the PDX airport carpet, PDX airport carpet pattern underwear.
Why this shouldn’t be a sexy costume: I think the airport might get a little upset, maybe?
Why you should wear this: nothing says “I live in Portland” like dressing up like a hot little meme for all the world to see!
SEXY TED WHEELER
What you need: cut-off/sleeveless blazer and dress shirt, tie, cut-off booty slacks (coordinate them!), dress shoes, the hair of a fine, fine silver fox.
Why this shouldn’t be a sexy costume: he commands the police force and the all-powerful Bureau of Transportation so you shouldn’t anger him!
Why you should wear this: perhaps you’re Ted Wheeler and should loosen up a little?