Competency Rating (100/10):Bonjour, mon amis! As you can see, my competency rating has followed my indigestible beauty into the realm of being incapable of categorization. As the soft glow of my green eyes is like an indescribable jade fire in which men first lust and then combust, my sheer sense of accuracy – when it comes to psychically predicting the ends of Hollywood blockbusters, of course – is also free of description. I cannot be weighed down by the sheer weight of adjectives! Oh no, mon amis – I am far too transcendent of a beast to be captured by either scribe or poet – the unnamable beauty that I possess cannot even be captured by the illusive invention of the camera, for I, Madame Beignet de la Mort, have the soul of a goddess and skin as milky as one million dairy farms! The camera cannot capture my essence in its simplicity, nor can the lens capture my form in its intricate wonder! Although to speak of the camera, this week’s movie forecast is filled with the dim beings less attractive and far less lacto-centric than I, Madame Beignet de la Mort, and the camera seems to capture their distorted mugs with more than ease. That’s right, Drew Barrymore, I am talking to you!
Your Movie Forecast for the Weekend of 13 February 2004:
“50 First Dates:” Okay, so somewhere out there, there are a few movie executives who thought to themselves, “Gee, ‘The Wedding Singer’ was a really big hit. How could we possibly get that Drew Barrymore and that Adam Sandler back together again? And hopefully in another romantic comedy vehicle?”
Et voila: “50 First Dates” was thereby born. So the premise is that Adam Sandler plays the man with the commitment issues. And Drew Barrymore plays the object of his desire, which finally makes him want to settle down into some American suburb with the fast food belly and the thorough unhappiness. The only problem is she has no short-term memory, so she doesn’t remember him. Oh! OH, OH, OH! We didn’t see that coming!
Why that sounds like the sort of premise that could include a lot of zany things. And Americans love zaniness, non? “Ooh. Oh, Ooooh! We are Americans! We love the zaniness and our big pick-up trucks! Please somebody please make me a hamburger!” D’accord, so the zaniness will occur with a penguin in a Hawaiian shirt, the grotesque Rob Schneider, and a few jokes where Adam Sandler hurts his head. It will end with them falling in love.
Jesus Christ, I don’t even remember the last time I had a first date with someone, who I hadn’t already slept with, but most of you kids are too young to remember the ’70s.