Quotes are not fact based and are for satirical purposes.
PORTLAND, OR — Former NCAA Swimmer and current gender panic roadshow headliner Riley Gaines arrived on the Portland State University (PSU) campus on Monday, May 5, to deliver a much anticipated speech titled “Protecting Women’s Sports (Because Really it’s SOOOO important).” Organizers expected a protest, or maybe a glitter bomb. No one expected a personal transformation.
“I was just here to rile up the libs. It used to be my very favorite thing,” Gaines said in a follow-up press conference, now sporting a mullet, a nose ring and a ‘Trans-Rights are Human-Rights’ Hoodie. “But somewhere between the vegan donut and the cacao ceremony, I realized… I’m not who I thought I was.”
Gaines looked visibly shook by their experience.
Witnesses say the shift began slowly, and potentially by accident. Gaines—who was supposed to be speaking at Smith Memorial Hall—wandered accidentally into a lecture titled, “Gender constructs during Collapse of Capitalism.” Then she was spotted journaling in the Queer Resource Center’s meditation dome, weeping openly while reading Leslie Feinberg’s novel, Stone Butch Blues. By day three, she was spotted at the local queer bar, Doc Marie’s, discussing Judith Butler over a non-alcoholic IPA.
“She came in hot, like, super binary energy, like a gemini with a taurus rising!” said T, Portland local and self proclaimed spiritual guide. “But we just, like, accepted her. No agenda. Just vibes. And something about that made her crack, funny no?”
Gaines—now going by the name River—has announced plans to stay in Portland, citing an overwhelming desire to “knit and deconstruct colonial gender norms.”
When asked if she regrets her previous statements about transgender athletes, River paused and then answered, “Honestly, I think I was just swimming away from myself the whole time. For the first time, I feel like I’m home.”
The Riley Gaines Center has since rebranded as “The River Collective: Swimming in the Fluidity of Self,” and is launching a line of gender-neutral swimwear made entirely from recycled MAGA yard signs and the tears of devastated Fox News hosts.
