Have you ever gotten married on an ice rink? Whispered sweet dirty nothings in your lover’s ear? Left a Tupperware of your poo on the side of the highway? Who hasn’t? We’ve all had those days—but if you’re not careful, you might just find yourself crushed under the long weird arm of the Oregon law.
Portland’s got a reputation for being a weird place. I bet you didn’t know the weirdness is structural and systematic—it runs deep. Real deep. Take a look at some of the weirdest laws to pass through our state legislative system. Every law on this list supposedly still stands today.
1) No weddings on ice skating rinks.
For the last time, NO WEDDINGS WILL BE HAPPENING ON THE ICE. REMOVE YOURSELF FROM LLOYD CENTER IMMEDIATELY.
2) No whistling underwater.
This is just irresponsible swimming.
3) Shoelaces must be tied while walking down the street.
Remember what your mother taught you: Bunny ears, bunny ears, jumped into the hole…Imagine the look on poor Ma’s face when she has to bail you out of jail for walking down the street with your shoe laces flopping around all nimbly-bimbly.
4) Women may not wrestle in Salem.
This is problematic.
5) No pet reptiles in the city limits of Springfield unless you’re a school or a city.
Are you a school or a city? No? Sorry, Cuddles the Chameleon has got to go.
6) No Animal Sex in the city of Stanfield.
Now I’m not close-minded. If Milo and Otis feel compelled to express themselves through the universal language of physical L-O-V-E, they can go right ahead. All I ask is they don’t do it here in my quaint little town of Stanfield, Oregon. We’re law-fearing folk around here, and we can’t have any of that meow-meow-hanky-panky nonsense driving the women off their rockers.
7) No predicting the future in Yamhill.
Sorry, Miss Cleo. Pack up your crystal ball and head on back to Portland.
8) Marion County ministers are forbidden to eat garlic or onions before their Sunday sermons.
Pastor Joe cannot possibly deliver the Lord’s message with that devil stank wafting from the pocket behind his uvula. Mrs. Flannigan did not put on her Sunday best for this.
9) No ice cream on Sundays.
While we’re at it, let’s just go ahead and rule out ice cream on Sundays. You’ve been hitting the Salt & Straw a little hard lately. I know you say you can stop any time you want, but I’m starting to worry about you. Everything in moderation—even ice cream.
10) Juggling is strictly prohibited without a license in Hood River.
Juggling is not funny business.
11)One may not test their physical endurance while driving a car on a highway.
No lifting. no flexing. No if’s, and’s or butt’s about it.
12) You cannot eat a doughnut and walk backwards on a city street in Marion County.
Marion County officials have seen the kind of shenanigans that come out of Voodoo Doughnuts, so they’ve set rules to make sure none of that fritternizing happens on their streets.
13) Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing.
This is just common sense. Canned corn fish-baiters are probably the same whackos doing that underwater whistling.
14) Dishes must drip dry.
Keep that towel a legal distance from your sauce pan or pay the price.
15) It is illegal to whisper “dirty” things in your lover’s ear during sex.
16) It is illegal to place a container filled with human fecal matter on the side of any highway.
Did this really happen so many times that somebody had to spell it out?