Halloween is officially here, which means it’s time to gorge yourself with sweets and alcohol until you lose all respect for yourself. Unfortunately, some folks keep it traditional and they still hand out one of the most divisive treats in Halloween candy history: candy corn. This year, rather than leaving them in a kitchen drawer for months or throwing them away, consider using your leftover candy corn in the following ways.
You can use the candy corn as bullets.
Halloween heists are rad as fuck, but in case things go poorly, you don’t want to be without protection. Use your candy corn as ammunition for your Colt-45 made of delicious taffy to scare any teller that decides to be a hero. As soon as the teller sees the candy corn, they will be overwhelmed with disgust and willingly hand over the diamond-studded Peeps you’re after. Also, don’t be timid about adding accessories, like a holster made of licorice or a flash grenade that projects Pixie Stix powder.
You can sew them on your shirts and have fancy buttons.
Life happens, and sometimes we lose buttons on our favorite shirt—and realize there’s no backup. No need to run to the store or spend even more money for alterations. Simply sew a candy kernel on to your favorite shirt. The festive colors and shape of the candy may not taste good, but it will certainly be a hit at your Friendsgiving this year.
You can make stylish and delicious jewelry
College students don’t have the money to spend on bling-bling. That shouldn’t stop them from accessorizing. The small shape of the candy corn is perfect for making necklaces, earrings, bracelets or rings! All you really need is a chain—or your favorite floss brand—and a thick needle to make all of your friends jealous.
You can use it as fake teeth
We’ve all been on bad dates where you have little in common with the other person and the “vibes” are just not there. Instead of subjecting yourself to another 30 minutes of listening to Chad describe his CrossFit regimen, place an ear of candy corn under your tongue and spit it onto your plate and immediately freak out about your tooth falling out. Then, insist you have to see a doctor right away and quickly exit the restaurant. The same methods can be applied for church obligations, work meetings or jury duty.
You can brew beer
That’s right. If you don’t like chewing on the sugary kernels but may enjoy a creamy, vanilla-flavored beer, make yourself a candy corn beer. Don’t have a rig to home-brew? No worries. The closest brewery to make candy corn beer is based in Medford, where Opposition Brewing has rolled out a “Kandy Kornholio” stout. Cheers!
You can use it to take over the world
Let’s say you’re hellbent on world domination, but you don’t have enough soldiers or underlings to do your bidding; that’s where candy corn comes in handy. First, melt all the candy into a giant ball in the oven and place it near your front door. Then, wait for a massive infestation of ants and other insects to arrive for some sugary goodness. Lastly, communicate with them using your new antennae—that you also made out of candy corn—and coordinate a hostile takeover of the White House.
You can donate it
In all seriousness, there are organizations that accept leftover candy donations, such as the Soldier’s Angels Treats for Troops program, which collects donated candy and sends it to United States troops deployed overseas, or you can drop them off at various dental offices in Portland and receive up to $1 per pound of candy through a buyback program.
WILDCARD/OPTION: You can use it as a tack
The kernel shape of the candy corn provides a nice tip to sharpen and repurpose. Maybe you have a new Blink-182 poster you want to put on your wall? Or a photo of your cat in a How to Train Your Dragon costume? Now you can save money and the environment by using biodegradable tacks made from candy corn; personalizing your space has never been this guilt-free!
