Hey! Put a lid on those sexy times!

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Christian Profeta/PSU Vanguard

Do you live in a dorm room? Are those walls paper-fucking-thin? Of course they are, that’s part of the charm of living in a dorm.

Inviting that special someone over for some sexy time can be daunting when your bed is less than five feet away from someone else, despite that paper-fucking-thin wall. You don’t want your neighbors to hear! That would be embarrassing! Damn, those rooms are small.

Never fear. Take my hand and I’ll show you the way to keeping those sexy times under wraps so you don’t have to make awkward eye contact with the bro next door tomorrow morning.

Turn sex noises into other noises

Instead of moaning and groaning all night long about how great something feels, try turning those moans into sounds that might be mistaken for other activities.
“Ahhhhh, this homework is so HARD!” Wow, your neighbors will have no idea. You are so sneaky.

“Mmmmmove that desk to the other side of the room, please!” Just a little rearranging going on. Nothing to see here.

“Uhnnnn, do you want my pizza or my burrito?!” Maybe the bro next door can join you for some after sex yum yums! He’ll have no idea you didn’t spend the last 30 minutes loudly debating the pros and cons of pizza and burritos.

Learn sign language

Yeah, it might be a long, hard journey learning sign language just so you can have sex without the guy next door hearing you, but trust me, the payoff is worth it. You’re creative. Maybe you can turn those hand signals into fun and innovative sex moves! No one will ever know what you’re up to in that pint-sized room of yours.

Plus, if you’re away from your dorm, you can signal to each other the things you might want to do to each other once you get back to that tiny, sexy sanctuary of yours. The possibilities are endless. Dream big, my friend!

Hang some shit from your walls
Blankets. Sheets. Styrofoam. Anything you can find to hang up will make those walls just a little bit thicker, and that’s all that matters. Still have those old Spiderman sheets from when you were a child? Hang them up! Been saving your old to-go containers from the countless food cart trips you take (that would be a super weird thing to do, but hey I’m not judging)? Hang them up! Found some old chunks of foam in the dumpster (again, not judging)? Hang them up!

Your dorm room will be ugly as hell, and all the shit hanging from your walls might make that itty-bitty room even itty-bittier, but it’ll be quiet in there!

Shhhh, whisper sex

“Oh baby, that feels so nice.” “Shhhh, let’s keep this between the two of us.” “Oh yeah, I like it when you whisper like that.”

I think the most obvious, and least time consuming, way of keeping that sex quiet is to just whisper, ya dummy! You can say and do anything you want. As long as your voice doesn’t rise above a hot and steamy whisper, then no one will ever be the wiser of the goings on of your dorm room. Shhhhhh!

This technique works best if you don’t have a squeaky bed. Better find some WD-40 just in case.

BE PROUD!

You got laid and all those other chumps on your floor didn’t. They probably wish they were gettin’ some right now. Nobody’s going to want to come over to their dorm rooms, knowing that every move they make and every word they say will be heard by the 30 other people on the floor.

Only you have proven that you are smart enough, skilled enough and wise enough to do it right. When your prospective partner finds out that you’ve taken steps to ensure dorm room privacy, rest assured they will be super excited and ready to take that next sexy step. Enjoy, my friend, and be proud of yourself.

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